This blog is not an official website of
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, nor is Lindsay their official spokesperson.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Bear One Another's Burdens

Dear Anyone,

One thing that I love about serving in the Young Women organization is that each Sunday I have the opportunity to stand and repeat the Young Women Theme.  We declare that we will "stand as witnesses of God at all times in all things and in all places".  This is in reference to Mosiah 18:9.  Alma is teaching at the waters of Mormon to those who want to be baptized and what the covenants entail.  These include "willing to bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" in addition to standing as a witness (see Mosiah 18:8-10).

I had a conversation with someone about a year ago.  It was about my infertility at that time.  This woman said something to me to the effect of "I don't know how you feel, but [she wanted to support me anyways]".  She said it in a way that seemingly diminished her ability to understand and consequently bear my burden, because she didn't know exactly what it felt like to be me.  I didn't need her to have experienced the same thing as me.  I just needed some "mourning", "comforting", and "burden bearing".

I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, knows how I feel all the time.  He knows all of my pain and suffering. As much as the atonement can do for me...it's still missing that Earthly element.  I live on Earth for this brief and temporary time of a glorious eternity.  We aren't meant to go through life alone.

It takes a lot to ask, but please mourn with me, comfort me and help make my burdens light right now.

It doesn't even matter what my burdens are, because while I have burdens, I know you do too.  They are different than mine, but I couldn't handle yours, as you couldn't handle mine.

When I spoke with the aforementioned woman, I was comforted because even though I knew she wasn't dealing with infertility she was dealing with her own set of burdens that made her FEEL THE SAME as me....borderline hopeless, like someone punched us in the gut, our hearts were ripped out and thrown on the floor, defeated, confused and lost and alone because "no one understands".

These burdens make me cry at night.  They make my heart feel heavy one minute, and then break the next leaving me to wonder where to start picking up the pieces.  Some days I start to question "Why me?  Am I not worthy?"  Doesn't Heavenly Father love me?  How could He let this happen?  Is something wrong with me?"  I lay in bed.  I don't want to talk to anyone; life has no joy.  I have used every last ounce of faith I have.  I become bitter that my life didn't work out how I wanted it to, that I have no control, perhaps even a victim at times.  These burdens make me weak, vulnerable and chip away at my strength.  I wonder how much longer I can endure knowing that the Celestial Kingdom is only reached after a lifetime of enduring such trials.

I'm tired of feeling lonely and suffering silently.  Time after time I somehow find one teeny shard of faith left that slowly leads the way to things getting better, but I'd like to have a little support.  In my present situation, I give and give and give and while I receive great blessings it's not in the form of great support.

In summary, I need some lovin'.  I'd love to get an email or a comment from anyone.  (There I did it, shoot me.  I asked for a comment.)  This blog is meant to share my testimony, but it's not 100% all the time.  I do have a testimony.  A big one.  One that I hold dear and love to share on this blog.  I really do try to be the gospel loving, scripture quoting, analogy making person that this blog portrays, because it is truly who I want to be, but I am not perfect.

I AM NOT PERFECT

and I need me some lovin' today.  Satan has been out in full force these past few weeks and I'm getting really worn down.  Please bolster me up so that I can continue to encourage the wonderful Young Women that I am working with and finish the mission that I have started.

I want to hear from you because I know that each and every person reading this blog has experienced extreme heartache from something that is really hard for YOU.  I know you DO understand me, because you are alive and through living life you have experienced joy and pain.  I don't want or need to join a burden specific support group.  I want to be supported by the people I already know and love.

Thanks for listening.  I can't be amazing all of the time, but hopefully my regular schedule of amazing-ness will be back soon.

With love to all,
Lindsay

P.S. To Reader R, to leave a comment you need to push on "0 post scripts" or whatever the number is.  In keeping with the mail theme on the blog I changed the name from "comments".  This is found at the bottom of each post in fairly small font.

P.S.  Other bloggy business - if you added me to your blog roll and it shows me down with the private people instead of updating when I post then you simply need to delete me and then re-add me to your blog roll as I am now more public?  I don't even know the proper term, but that will do it, so that you can more easily find when I post.  There are several of you that I have noticed that could "fix" this (if it is something that annoys you).

7 comments:

Husband said...

I'm sorry that these things have been happening. You can count on me being there for you, even if no one else is. I love you.

Karey said...

I'm sorry you're having a tough time! It's so true that we all know the same feelings regardless of our exact circumstances.

I hope that you're able to get some support in your calling, even if it's just a phone call with someone in the stake yw presidency to talk things through. Leadership can be so lonely at times.

Hang in there! (Hugs!)

Rebecca McAllister said...

Dearest Lindsay,
I don't know if you remember that we experienced three years of infertility before our first pregnancy. Then our second pregnancy ended at 18 weeks. Then our sweet son was diagnosed with Autism at the same time our 16 month old and 1 month old were having major health problems. All of these trials are just memories now and not entirely painful ones. I can trace each one to some of the greatest joy and growth and peace I have ever known. I learned that God has a plan for our family and I have learned to trust it. Even in the pain of misscarying again this past summer I felt the peace of that sure knowledge that I had placed my trust in him. I know he has one for your family too. You give 100% of yourself to everything you do. You are an amazing and inpiring woman. You bless all around you. The day I found out that I was going to misscary, I was in the car listening to the Mormom Tabernacle Choir and they sang "I Believe In Christ." I know that God was speeking to me when the words "And while I strive in grief and pain, his voice is heard YE SHALL OBTAIN!" In what ever way God designs, you WILL obtain all of your righteous desires. In the meantime, you will be in our prayers.
Lots and LOTS and LOTS of LOVE,
Rebecca

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking about you even before reading this post. As I was reading this I thought of in the scriptures when it mentions that without sorrow there is no joy (or maybe you mentioned this scripture? I can't remember now) But I started wondering if the more pain experienced the greater ability we can have to experience more joy. I know that after being sick with a cold or something I always am more grateful and aware of not being sick. My heart goes out to you, I think infertility is one of the hardest trials I can think of. I'm so sorry that you are feeling lonely and beaten down. The Savior knows and understands all our greatest sorrows. I wish there was something I could do to help. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Love you!
-Melissa
(thanks for the 2nd p.s. I hadn't been able to figure out updating the blog roll thing before now)

Jewels and Ry said...

I have now written 3 comments and I keep loosing them before they post. I'll send you an email or a note.
Thinking of you!
Julie

Barbara said...

Dear Lindsay, I just read your latest post. I know I'm coming late with a response, but I'm hoping things are going better now. I'm so sorry for the pain and sorrow you've been dealing with. It's always so hard to totally understand why we have to go through the things we do. There was a conference talk recently, I like to read it when I get feeling really down, it was by Elder Kent F.Richards in the April 2011 conference. If you have time, you might want to read it. It always makes me feel better and able to deal with whatever is happening, hopefully it will you too. You'll be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

You are in our prayers. It's crazy how well-aimed our trials are at causing us to struggle where we feel least able to cope. I've been really impressed lately with how much Heavenly Father and Jesus love us and want to help us turn our weaknesses into strengths. When I'm really struggling and needing an extra boost, Priesthood blessings really help give me comfort and strength. If you haven't already, I'd make use of the amazing blessing of having the priesthood in your home. "Husband" was able to help me out a lot with those blessings while we were in college.

Please know there are many of us who would love to do all we can to help you bear your burdens though sometimes we are not sure how best to do that. I'll keep praying that everything works out well for you and that you'll feel the support, peace, and strength you need during this time.

- Jen B.