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Monday, June 20, 2011

A Changing Perspective

Dear Friend P,

When Husband was the Young Men's President, I offered to sew scout patches onto scout shirts, so that all the boys could fully participate in the Scouting program.

Husband is no longer the Young Men's President.  We are no longer in that ward as we now serve in the Spanish Branch.

I still get asked to sew patches..........so I do.

This last time that I was sewing down patches I was grumbling to myself.  I told myself that I had better things to do.  I was tired of hurting myself, using my nail to push through the needle.  I was telling myself that I would get this opportunity in 10 years when we had a boy (the boy that I am thinking into existence, because I am just entitled to him).  I thought surely Husband was serve in the scouts again and I could do this in the future, not the present where I didn't want to.  I was thinking, "Husband is not the Young Men's President.  We are not even in that ward anymore.  Why am I still doing this?  I can't wait for MY boy."

Then I realized that I am not guaranteed a boy.  Thinking a boy into existence, is not something that I can control.

I thought to myself how grateful I was that I had this opportunity to sew on scout patches, and how loving our Heavenly Father was to give me this opportunity.  I had a scout to support.  I might have missed the Pinewood Derby cars (something I have been waiting for), but here I was getting to follow the progress of a scout and support them as they earned new badges and ranks just as I would for MY boy.  This might be my only chance if we never have a boy and Husband never works with the scouts again.

With my new perspective, a heart filled with love, and a smile on my face.  I then proceed to finish the job, and IRON the scout shirt for this boy.  Ask Husband how many things I have ironed for him.....(maybe 1 and I think he had to finish it for me)......this was a big deal!!!

This wasn't meant to be a baby post, but now that I'm started, I guess I'll keep going.

A baby would be most welcome at our house.  Daughter asks, now very regularly, about a baby coming to our house.  All I can tell her is that Heavenly Father decides when to send a baby to your house, so all we can do is to pray, and then we do.  Since it seems like everyone is having a baby these days, it sometimes is hard feeling like we're getting "passed".

However, I have been changing my perspective on lots of things and I am really am okay with our family situation.  I am not naive enough to overlook all of the good service our family has been able to provide to others, because we're not wrapped up in the needs of a larger family.  There is a specialized Plan for each of us, and it's okay that they are all different.  Some get the boys, and others of us hope, but we get something else, like a ridiculously EASY going, happy, obedient, brings joy to all girl.

Husband and I were talking recently.  We were saying that we had so much more to offer a child that was sent to our home.  We're older, we're wiser, we're putting together a career/stable future, and we're closer to Heavenly Father than ever.  We decided we were more prepared ten-fold, one-hundred fold than we were when we had Daughter.

BUT

A baby is not something that you "qualify" for, or can "earn".  It's not like Heavenly Father turned down our application and told us to work on some things and now that we have improved, we "qualify" to get on the baby list.  It just doesn't work like that.  During the course of our marriage and baby woes, I have often thought that it did work like that.  Not being blessed with a baby when we wanted to be blessed with children made me question our worthiness or "qualifications".  I did not have as good understanding or perspective.

See, I really am okay.  We are the best family of 3 in the whole world.  We have learned how to have interactions with others to provide experiences that mimic a larger family.  We have learned to love the versatility of only having responsibility/ time commitments/ financial obligations for 3.  (Don't hate when we go to Disneyworld......again.)

Yesterday at Church, Husband and I were having a very good time watching a baby walk around during Sunday School.  The baby will turn one within the month, but was a very proficient walker.  She was very cute and Husband and I reminisced about Daughter being that small once.  Watching a sweet baby was hard, for both of us.  Righteous desires are righteous desires so it's fine to have them.  While the "baby boom" of the past few months has shoved it in our faces that we aren't a part of it, I know we will be.  I just don't know when.

It sometimes is frustrating to go to the temple and receive revelation about a baby (especially when I went for something else).  It is hard to be so confident in something that I don't know the timetable for.  I do know that I will be blessed with MY boy (and probably a bazillion others) but that it most likely will be during the millennium or the next life.  I don't exactly know how all of that works out, but I know that it does.  This earthly life is SO short and temporary.  It really is a blink of the eye compared to eternity.  I know that God does keep his promises, but more will be fulfilled "later" than we realize.  I know several people that have promises in their Patriarchal Blessings of marriage, children, etc. that DID NOT happen in this life.  Are we to assume their blessing was wrong?  Were they unworthy of their blessing?  No.  They will be blessed with those things "later" just as I will be blessed,

 and I feel peace about it.

This is why I love my life.  I am at peace with it.  It still has hard things happen in it, but I have had a changing perspective :)

Peacefully,
Lindsay

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