A Perfect Love
Time goes by so quickly.
My soul is still anguished over my flaw. However, my life hasn't stopped. I still have responsibilities. People still expect things out of me. I feel like I am living two different personas right now. The one full of godly sorrow and the other one that must meet everyone's needs and wants. The Primary Sacrament Meeting Presentation is coming up so I can't just disappear and nurse my own wounds. Everyone asks me questions and wants answers. I try to listen, but my head gets lost as it is wading through so many other thoughts about the thing I want to change about myself. I tried to suggest to someone that somebody else could be in charge, but that didn't go over well. Okay, enough about that. I don't want it to take away from why I am really writing.
Last Thursday I was teaching piano lessons. One of my students is going to accompany "He Sent His Son" for the Primary Sacrament Meeting Presentation. This is one of my favorite students (okay, I'd say that about any of them!!!), but seriously this kid is great. Once when we were learning the Indiana Jones Theme Song, he says "Wait, a minute." Then he proceeds to jump up and go get this fedora hat to wear to put him in the right mood to play the song! He seriously makes me smile inside all of the time. He is at an age where taking piano lessons isn't necessarily cool and might not do it if his parents weren't making him, but he is the best sport about it, and our lessons are so fun.
So, I assigned this song in July knowing that the presentation was in October. I also knew that it was going to be a challenge for him as it was above his level, but I decided that the benefits that he would get out of learning it and the accompanying experience was worth it.
Over the past few months I have been anxiously checking in with him at lessons to see where he is on the progress of the song. Every week, it is never as far as I would have hoped. I never show my disappointment, but I secretly worry, because I know that the day of presentation is quickly coming and he will face a final judgment when it is time to accompany 40+ singers. How well he performs will be directly linked to these three months of work. I always look forward to the next time we can touch base at our lessons, but sometimes I can tell he is not excited to see me as piano lessons are an inconvenience to him and not as fun as other things he could be doing.
To help him on this journey I have eliminated other distractions so that we are solely working on this one song. I have written in fingerings for EVERY NOTE of the song! I have helped him clap, count and play various lines. We slow things down to isolate the "trouble spots". We celebrate any small accomplishment, because we know how important it is to reaching the final goal.
I have said everything I could possibly think of to say. I have chastised. I have encouraged. I have played the song for him as an example so that he could see what it was like. I have spoon fed him all that I could.
Yet, the song still struggles. I cannot make him follow the fingerings or to count out loud. I have no control over how he practices. He has his agency to choose to follow my directions or not. I can only hope that he chooses to follow the guidance that I have given him because I have laid it all out for him. Sometimes I come home wanting to pull my hair out, because I feel like I have said very specifically how he can succeed, but it is like it falls on deaf ears. I think, "What is he thinking? Does he not realize that this day is coming up? He doesn't have time to waste!" I want him to be successful so badly, but I have realized that it really is up to him.
Last Thursday as got in my car and drove away, a light bulb went off in my brain.
THIS IS HOW HEAVENLY FATHER FEELS ABOUT ME and all of his children.
I was presented with the Plan of Salvation in my Pre-Mortal Existence. Heavenly Father gave me this opportunity to come to Earth and receive a body and be tested. He knew it would be challenging, but that the benefits of of Eternal Life was worth it.
Over the years, Heavenly Father has been anxiously checking in with me through prayer to see where I am in my eternal progression. Every time, it is never as far as He would have hoped, because God knows that I have the potential to become like Him, and doesn't want me to settle for less. Heavenly Father NEVER shows His disappointment, but He secretly worries, because He knows that the day of the Second Coming is quickly coming and I will face a final judgment. The kingdom in which I will go to will depend on the work I did on Earth. Heavenly Father always looks forward to the next time we can commune, but sometimes He can tell that I am not excited to pray or listen to the Holy Ghost as I foolishly think it is inconvenient and not as fun as other things that I could be doing.
To help me on this journey Heavenly Father has given temples. Temples are a place that I can go to escape from the distractions of the world, so that I can solely work on learning the things I need to for my eternal progression. Heavenly Father has given scriptures of his teachings to ancient prophets. He has given current prophets to continue to give needed guidance. God has given us the PRIESTHOOD, the POWER to act on Earth in Jesus Christ's name! We have prayer, baptism, and temple ordinances. He has given us Seminary, Visiting and Home Teachers. We have the ability to repent for our "trouble spots". Heavenly Father celebrates any small accomplishment, because He knows how important it is to reaching the final goal.
God has revealed everything that He thinks is necessary to say. He has chastised. He has encouraged. Heavenly Father has sent Jesus Christ as an example so that I know exactly how I should live my life. Through Him, I am truly fed with a spiritual feast.
Yet, I still struggle. Heavenly Father cannot make me read the scriptures or go to church on Sundays. He has no control over my temple attendance or my Visiting Teaching. I have my agency to choose to listen to the Holy Ghost, pray, and follow the directions or the prophets, or not. God can only hope that I choose to follow the Plan of Salvation that He has given to me, because He has laid it all out for me and his other children. Sometimes Heavenly Father gets sad, because He knows that He has said very specifically how I can succeed, but it is like it falls on deaf ears. He might think, "What is Lindsay thinking? Does she not realize that the Second Coming is coming up? Lindsay doesn't have time to waste!"
Heavenly Father wants me to be successful so badly, but I have realized that it really is up to me.
This is the most perfect love. I know that Heavenly Father loves you too.
I love you, sis.